CHOCOLATE!

            Mother’s Day is coming, and it has got me thinking about what I should get my wife as a gift.  I have been buying her gifts for 33 years now; you would think that I was better at it.  I’m not.

            The thing my wife would like the most is to spend time with her grandchildren, but that is not going to happen this year.  At least not on Mother’s Day.  They all live too far away.  She would also, I know, like me to write her a long romantic note stating how much I love her and (she would never admit this part) how wonderful she is.  In fact, she is wonderful.  I’m just not very good at writing the long romantic notes.  Which is weird because, after all, I am a writer.

            I am more of a “say it with flowers” kind of guy.  Which is another way of saying that I am kind of lazy.  You know what would be better than saying it (whatever “it” is) with flowers, would be to say it with chocolate.  Admittedly, to fairly say how much I love my wife and how wonderful she is would take a hell of a lot of chocolate.  But that just makes it that much better of an idea.

            We should all carry chocolate on our persons all the time, because there are so many things we could say every day with chocolate.  For example, if someone should hold a door open, we could say, “Thank you, have a piece of chocolate,” and then hand that person a piece of chocolate.

            Here are some other ideas of when to say “it” with chocolate:

            Your kid scores a goal in her soccer game, “Way to go!  Have a piece of chocolate.”

            A friend’s cat dies, “I’m sorry.  Have a piece of chocolate.”

            Neighbor’s kid gets an A in school, “Great job!  Have a piece of chocolate.”

            Neighbor’s kid gets a D in school, “Too bad.  Have a piece of chocolate.”

            A first date goes very well, “That was fun, I’m calling you again for sure.  Have a piece of chocolate.”

            First date goes poorly, “I am never calling you again, but, hey, have a piece of chocolate.”

            Oh, what else?  There are so many.  Let’s see.  “You look nice today, have a piece of chocolate.”

            “Bad hair day?  Here, have a piece of chocolate.”

            “You didn’t win the lottery? Again?  Well, have a piece of chocolate.”

            “Your car keeps breaking down?  Buck up, have a piece of chocolate.”

            “You bought a new car?  Congratulations, have a piece of chocolate!”

            It even works in reverse.  “Really, officer, you are giving me a ticket for going 5 mph over the speed limit?  See that bag of chocolate on the seat next to me?  You get none!”

            And it doesn’t always have to be just a piece of chocolate.  The chocolate could be representative of the feeling it is portraying.  For example:

            “Your wife just had twins?  Here are five dozen chocolate chip cookies.”  (You see, that is both congratulations and condolences.)  Or;

            “I hear you are being audited by the IRS.  Here, take this seven layer, double chocolate, chocolate chip cake with fudge icing.”  Almost makes it worth it.  Almost.

            I feel I may owe an explanation as to why this works to well so that those people who don’t like chocolate can understand, (I know who you are and where both of you live, too).  But, if you don’t get it, you are just not going to get it.  Kind of like the guy who asked how much the Lamborghini cost.  If you have to ask . . . .

            If the social/emotional value of chocolate is not intuitive to you, then, well, I feel sorry for you.  It is one of those right brain things.  You just understand that saying things with chocolate makes the world a better place.

            Once you understand, there is virtually nothing you can’t say, and say well, with chocolate. (I’m allowed to use double negatives because I used to be an attorney.) I guess my wife knows what she is getting for Mother’s Day.  And yes, I will write her a note too.

            By the way, Father’s Day is just a month after Mother’s day.  I prefer Ghirardelli or See’s chocolate.