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Monday, September 24, 2012

THE THREE STOOGES

          I rented the new Three Stooges movie over the weekend and watched it (as opposed to renting it and playing frisbee with it).  The plot was predictable, the dialog sophomoric and the humor crude.  I loved it!  This movie really stayed true to the heart and spirit of the original Three Stooges, the Three Stooges I watched on TV as a child.  (No, I am not old enough to have seen them in the theater during their heyday.)  Go to:  http://movie.threestooges.com  (Last time I did a link I did it wrong.  Hopefully I did it right here.)

            I appreciate it when a movie is made of something from my earlier years and that movie stays true to the original story; unlike, say, the movies Wild, Wild, West or The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe. 
I don’t understand how this Three Stooges movie was not a huge blockbuster.  I don’t understand how someone cannot like The Three Stooges.  And especially, how someone cannot like Curly.  I mean, Larry and Moe are great, and the new actors playing them did a great, a fantastic, job.  But Curly is Curly, and Will Sasso nailed him.  Truthfully, if I could do as good an impression of Curly as Sasso did in the latest Three Stooges movie I would shave my head and do Curly impressions 24/7.  Seriously, (wait, I can’t be serious on this topic, let’s say “honestly” instead), this is not exaggeration or hyperbole, I would literally shave my head, buy a sports coat that is three sizes too small, and do Curly impressions all the freaking time.  (Need I mention how glad my wife is that I can’t do a decent Curly impression?)
I would do Curly at the store, at church, at my in-laws, (oh, how I would do Curly at my in-laws).  I would speed in a known speed trap just so I could do Curly to the police officer who would be giving me the ticket.  If you cannot understand how fun that would be, how truly precious, to do Curly to an officer trying to give you a ticket, then you just do not understand and appreciate Curly.  Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.   It would be so worth the cost of the ticket.  (Did I mention that my wife is very, very happy I can’t do a decent Curly impression?)
I just want to be able to say, “Oh a wise guy, heh?” and say it in the high, nasally voice, squinting the one eye and leaning forward for the precise amount of effect.  To snap my fingers and slap my fist, or do that funny backward hop/skip, and do it like Curly.  Why would you ever want to stop?  I wonder if Will Sasso is still doing Curly? (Perhaps he is married.)
I would walk up to complete strangers on the street and ask for the time, just so I could do it like Curly.  I would talk to strangers all the time.  I would talk to dogs.  I would talk to Mormon and Jehovah Witness missionaries:  “Would I like to hear more?  Ceiwantly!  Come on in!”  Can’t you imagine the looks on their faces?
I would somehow get myself invited to a political fundraising event, (either party, but Republican would be more fun) and stuff the pockets of my too small jacket with shrimp and mini-├ęclairs while doing the Curly shuffle.  And when they asked me for money?  How the fun would start.  (You know of course that my wife is absolutely ecstatic that I can’t do a decent Curly impression.)
           Yes, I enjoyed watching the Three Stooges.  Maybe I’ll start practicing how to do a Curly impression.  Or, maybe, I’ll watch an old Laurel and Hardy movie instead.



Tuesday, September 18, 2012

JIMMY WORLD PEACE


          
           The purpose of today’s blog is to demonstrate that I can take a photo on my phone, transfer it to my laptop, and from there upload it to this blog.  If you can see a photo of a hairy dog face, that means I’ve succeeded.
            To those of you who are not grey-haired, fat, old farts, (like me) this is no big deal.  And to some of you who are grey-haired, fat old farts it is still no big deal.  But to some of us old farts, it is a big deal.  It is not that I’m not familiar with computers.  I’m just barely young enough that I grew up, well, not with computers, but alongside of them, or better put, aware of them.
            I mean, I did have a computer class as a freshman in college.  The computers we worked on there took up the space of an entire floor in the engineering building, and had less computing power than the average cell phone today.  I learned machine language, Basic and Fortran, (please don’t ask me what Fortran is, that makes me feel so old).
            But technology has gotten way out in front of me.  Not because I can’t understand it, or am intimidated by it, but because I just got tired of running fast enough to keep up with it.  And frankly, a lot of the technology that our publisher expects us to learn, (just remember, guys, no matter what I say, I still love you) is stuff I didn’t really care about.  Now we are supposed to blog, and tweet, and facebook, and even google, (I prefer to ogle).  These are all referred to as “social media”, which means people interacting with other people.
            Well, truthfully, I just don’t care to interact with other people.  People annoy me.  I suppose part of the problem is me, but I think it is undeniable that people are just annoying.  And I find that as I get older people get more and more annoying.  I wish they would just stop it.
            But, we wrote a scary book and we want everyone to read it, even annoying people.  And in order to publicize it we need to blog, tweet and facebook, (I’m still not sure how to google).  So here we are back to this blog and this photo.  The photo is of my sister-in-law’s dog, Jimmy.  He is an English Sheep dog and his full name is Jimmy Stewart, but I like to call him, (because I am a huge Laker fan) Jimmy World Peace.  That name fits him better (better than other unnamed people) because he truly does not have a vicious or mean bone in his body.  He loves everyone.  A great companion, a lousy guard dog.
            The transferring of his photo from my phone to the computer was a little tricky because I don’t exactly have a smart phone.  I don’t have a stupid idiot, moron phone either.  I have more of a Regan Democrat phone, or maybe better said, a NASCAR fan phone.  (Now, no one take offense; that said, my phone may still be smarter than I am!)
            So if you can see Jimmy World Peace’s photo at the top of this blog, that means I not only took the photo with my phone, but that I texted/emailed it (I’m still not sure which I did, I just got it from my phone to my computer without a cable) to my email account, saved it to my hard drive in my “pictures” file and then uploaded it from there to this blog.
            I should be pleased with myself for having conquered this much technology, but, nevertheless, I still find the whole thing annoying.  (Yea! Look at the nice doggy with the funny name.)  I guess this is what comes of being an old fart.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

DNCer

   
     As promised, I am writing something about the Democrats.  I have a harder time with this one because the Democrats are just not as funny as the Republicans.  You Democrats, don’t take that as a compliment.  Seriously, or rather, not seriously, Bill Maher gave you a million bucks toward Obama’s presidential campaign.  Maybe he’d send you some jokes, for free.  Ask him.  He might even send a funny one.  (Although it would be hard to beat Clint Eastwood at the RNC, and he wasn’t especially trying to be funny).
            My complaint against the Republicans was that I didn’t believe them when they said they were going to cut the deficit.  Oh, I believe them when they say they want to cut it; I just don’t think they have the cajones to go through with it.
            My complaint against the Democrats is that they think they are so smart that they have lost the blue collar base that used to be an essential part of their makeup.  Please note, I didn’t say they were actually smart, just that they think they are smart.  If they were actually smart blue collar people would still be voting Democrat.
            During the 1980s the term “Regan Democrat” was coined.  What’s a Regan Democrat?  A Regan Democrat is the parent of today’s blue collar Republican.  It is a person who votes for tax breaks for people who have more money than he or she does; who votes against economic self-interest; who votes on social issues that aren’t going to change; and votes to cut the size of a government that subsidizes over 50% of his or her life.  Democrats, HELLO, how did you lose this voter?  This is a blue person wearing red clothing.  (That even looks awful!)
            So here is what you are going to do.  First, quit thinking you are so freakin’ smart.  Second, go online to Amazon and buy the following CD: The Charlie Daniels’ Band, A Decade of Hits.  Yes I’m serious, and no, don’t download it onto your iPod, buy the CD.  I’m not sure what the qualitative difference is between the CD and downloading, but I am sure it is there.  Listen to this CD until you connect.  If you are asking what I mean by connect, you haven’t listened to it enough.
            Songs to pay attention to: Devil Went Down to Georgia.  Georgia was the first Southern state to vote Republican, in 1964, for Barry Goldwater.  Huh?  Huh?  Spooky, huh?  Next: The South’s Gonna do it Again.  Vote Republican if you can’t figure out how you lost these voters.
            Other songs to pay attention to:  Uneasy Rider, there is a real parable there, and it is funny, as in, FUUNNEEEEEE; In America, listen to this song a gazillion times, (if you don’t get it, you will never get these voters back); Still in Saigon, (What can I say?), if you still wonder how you lost these voters in the first place, go back and listen to it again; Long Haired Country Boy, (my personal favorite),  there is so much deep, deep, psychological, personality-like, bull crap in this song that, well, if you get it you can just go ahead and move into a single-wide with some long necks.  (If you just asked what a “long neck” is, then you still don’t get it.)
            This is good advice.  Not just that it came from me, but objectively speaking, (yea, right), this is good advice.  Of course no one will actually follow it, which is why all those blue collar voters will vote red neck, (and yes I know that is just the opposite of a blue person in red clothing).  Or better said, the South is gonna do it again.  And again.



Monday, September 3, 2012

GOP'd



            In spite of all the good advice I have received (mostly from my wife) to write about a different topic, to write about something pleasant, something safe, something innocuous; I am going to write about the Republican National Convention.  But to demonstrate that I do not work for MSNBC, and that my first name is not Rachel, (please! I have a much nicer haircut), next week I will take to task the Democratic Convention.
            First of all, there were a few things I liked about it.  If she were running for office I would be tempted to vote for Ann Romney.  I liked her.  I also liked Clint Eastwood.  No I didn’t follow what he was trying to do, and yes, he did appear to be rambling, but, WTH, (I’m hoping that people who object to swearing will be too old to know what those letters stand for) I like Clint Eastwood.  I like Clint Eastwood movies.  I wish I were that cool, and that tough all at the same time, even as I get old.  I wouldn’t mind being that rich either.
            This is what I have against the Republicans: I just don’t believe them.  Albert Einstein defined insanity as: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  There have been six Republican presidents during my life time, but I won’t count the first, Eisenhower, because I was four when he left office.  The other five have all promised to reduce government, reduce spending, reduce the deficit and reduce taxes.  Some of them have reduced taxes, but no one, not a single Republican president, has reduced government, significantly reduced spending, and most importantly, left office before doing any meaningful damage to U.S. debt.
            A feW of you, and you knoW Who you are, dramatically, drastically and draconianly (I know it’s not a word, but I have a thing for triples) increased the debt burden during your time in office.  Now my Republican friends, (yes, I have friends) tell me that this time it is different because it has to be different.  Guess what?  No it doesn’t.
            I could go into detail about the impossibility of balancing the budget without cutting military spending, and talk about the economic definition of “stickiness”, but then I would have to wake you up at the end of the blog.  It basically comes down to this: It is easier to spend money than it is to not spend money.  This is especially true if you set your own debt limit and print your own currency, legally even.
            The individual congress members, even tea party people, are like the men in Abraham’s household when he received the commandment regarding circumcision.  No one is jumping to the front of the line to say “Cut me first!”  Everyone defends his or her own turf, (OK, it’s time to stop thinking about the circumcision metaphor) and that includes basically all the turf there is.  Congress does not have the will power to meaningfully cut spending, and therefore there is nothing the president, regardless of party, can do about it.
            So, if the Democrats are the party of “Tax and Spend” the Republicans are the party of “Borrow and Spend”.  They just spend it on different things, but it still gets spent.
            Tune in next week and I’ll tell you why the Democrats are messed up too.